By Rayvenn Shaleigha D’Clark
What a year it has been.
Tears.
Tantrums.
Growth.
The idea of leaving shades scares me. Scares me in a way I have never had to consider until now. Because when I think of Shades, I think of family; I think of community, I think of legacy, all of which is founded upon honesty. And there are few roles where you can fully admit you prefer not to ever leave. But perhaps that is the point.
I have written previously about the idea of uncomfortability and how to exist – thrive even under the very particular ecology of the institution, seemingly navigating a non-existent space within HE as a black female. And in this same vein, this is perhaps the precise reason why my time within Shades should not overrun its course. I came to Shades in the third year of my BA. I was already overworked and knew very little about what my role within Shades would be as a Content Developer. What I did know however, is that I needed support; that I need a safe space to speak explicitly about my experiences during my BA. That I needed within that moment to be able to discuss the motivations behind my practice to other creative practitioners and academics who understood my perspective and could offer a wider breadth of references that could enrich my practice as a supplement to my own knowledge, rather than feeling to be taking a risk in tackling head on a myriad of seemingly educational buzzwords that have permeated my HE experience. Thus, in this moment it often becomes overwhelming to have to consider that you are in need of help, but I have since discovered the accumulative power shared wealth of knowledge and learning from the experiences of those around you. Because the stories we tell, the individual and stories we highlight are circular, collective in their impact, power and reach. Whilst yes, the Shades grads list may be long I often wonder where do I fit? Do not mistake: in this moment I am not considering my ‘legacy’ in the sense that I want people to know who I am, but legacy in the sense of how has or will my work – and artistic maturing removed from Shades – within my time in the team aid future generations of team members who like me came to Shades and are offered a safe haven?
Since Shades my confidence in my ability to articulate my belief, ideas and research interests as a creative practitioner – under any other name of ‘sculptor’ – has flourished much like my work within Shades moving through the ranks from Content Developer to Junior Editor; this is undeniably because of Shades. Because when you have to reflect on an academic upbringing that was born around divisive rhetoric that sets you up with the mindset of being the minority, of being the ‘one of few’, the personification of difference as a BAME student (*eugh*), can I choose to – or not to – partake in this label, especially as the continuation of its existence feels only to categorise my ‘otherness’. I am – now a graduate – of the opinion that to a degree there is power and strength in overcoming that ‘minority’ mindset that is pinned to our lapels the moment we enter the doors of HE. Shades has taught me better. And now I understand myself better. My practice and artistic motivations are better. Both through my increased confidence in writing and the renaissance it feels happening in my professional artistic practice, it now feels like all the compliments that have been paid to me over the course of this past year alongside Shades have paid off.
There are many things that I can offer up as characterising my time at Shades, but most of all it feels that my readiness to face the world – backed up by all the skills and experiences I have gained from my time within the Shades team – with the understanding that yes, I am enough? That my worth cannot be measured in numbers; the number of shows; the number of awards; the number of degrees. No. But it can be measured by the vitality of my spirit and my willingness to occupy the spaces that traditionally, positioned for me not to enter. Imbued with the understanding that it is similarly necessary to be considerate of all others inclusiveness of race, gender, sexual orientation, binaries, ages, the list goes on and on and on.
It is often hard for me to take a compliment; that ‘I am enough’ mantra often sticks in back of my throat…
Am I?
So here *cheers* to the many graduates and current team members Shades of Noir currently battling their way through the academic system.
Never doubt that ‘you are enough’.
Salute.
