For the most part, I feel that I’m able to keep my emotions in check and maintain a calm exterior, but the realisation that my time with Shades of Noir is ending always causes me to well up.
It happens instantly, in a way I’ve never experienced before; I’m overcome with a flash of emotion – but there’s always a smile on my face as I think back on the last 18 months or so. It feels like an odd reaction to have to a job, especially one that I found difficult; one where I had to open up and be vulnerable, one where I had to have built certainty and confidence in myself and my abilities which felt completely alien, one where I was placed in spaces I felt I didn’t belong.
My eyes well up because I am oh so grateful for all of these things.
They expanded the small box I placed myself in and taught me that this box can be reshaped, collapsed and rebuilt to be anything I want it to be. My eyes well because leaving means I have to place myself in this discomfort on my own and thrive in it.
I have to acknowledge the greatness within myself that Shades constantly told me was there. Being a part of Shades of Noir was far more than just a job; when I sat down to be interviewed my Aisha and Angie after being at UAL for a month, I had no idea that I was getting access to a community of loving, kind intellectuals that have so much to share and are happy to do so with me.
I feel the greatness of my peers every time we met. It ranged from the discussions we had about what we’ve been watching on TV (where at first was taken aback that my opinion mattered to them) to the difficult anti-racist work we dedicate ourselves to every day by being part of this organisation.
I’ve had the honour of unwinding with these people, sharing meals, activities outside of work and opened up about our personal lives with each other. These are people who are great in many many aspects and who inspire me. They make me want to become better in my practice as I have seen them thrive in theirs, to read more, understand more and speak with the same conviction as they do about antiracism and social justice.
I spent the majority of my life in educational institutions just existing, getting by without drawing much attention to myself and very much going through the system in isolation. Working as Shades of Noir disrupted this and I am very grateful.
My time here has allowed me to consider a future in teaching; nurturing others the way Shades has nurtured me and imparting my knowledge because my knowledge is worthy.
2020 has been a year that has made me do a lot of soul searching.
It has been painful work but in many ways, being a part of Shades of Noir has often shown me glimmers of light that have reminded me of my potential and what is possible if I can simply believe it.
I will cherish my time with Shades for a long time to come and truly thank the team for the work they do within the organisation and the work they have done on me in the smallest ways.
Every compliment on a piece of content I’ve written has and continues to allow me to believe in myself.
Salute
Hope Cunningham
