By Aarony Bailey
Working at Shades of Noir (SoN) has been one of the best things to come out of this year, for me.
When I joined the programme, I was a first-year student undergoing university online at the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. It was (and still is, eight months later) a stressful time. I have struggled with extremely debilitating long COVID, experiencing symptoms ranging from dietary problems to fatigue and shortness of breath.
As I tried to cope with the pandemic, online classes and long COVID, I struggled to find purpose in my everyday life. While I undertook work for my course and tried to be as active and creative as possible in my spare time, I felt as if things had lost meaning.
On top of this, I was also overwhelmed with being an art student. I joined UAL on a whim at the last minute, and prior to university I didn’t have to write or think critically in an academic context. At the beginning of my first year, I experienced imposter syndrome and struggled to break free from it.
At the time, I felt my life was filled with negativity. Now, although I’m coping better with things, the pandemic is far from over. I have both good and bad days with my long COVID, and still feel like a fraud on my degree. However, SoN has been instrumental in helping me to step out of the depression bubble.
It gave me the platform to speak not only for myself, but for Black girls, Gen Z, cinephiles and many other communities, both mainstream and niche. Through writing articles about my Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) and internet culture, SoN enabled me to have a voice at a time where I felt small and helpless.
I was given the chance to talk about topics I am interested in, to experiment and take risks with my writing, which has helped me to better understand myself, my practice and my view of the world.
Prior to joining the team, I regularly visited the SoN website. I used to sit in bed and check the site daily, to see if any new articles had been uploaded. I read through almost everything within the space of a week and was jealous of every author or contributor who had written an article.
I was envious of the fact that they were a part of such an amazing team. I admired how eloquent and profound these writers were, how well they were able to bring their thoughts to my laptop screen, back it up with facts and references, and dress it up in pretty thumbnails and pictures.
I am now the person I previously aspired to be. I am now the person writing articulately, using facts, referencing other work, and adding pretty images. I look back on the girl I used to be in March 2021. I was intelligent, perceptive and ready for the creative working environment. However, I feel I’ve gained greater knowledge and skills that will help me finish my degree and benefit my career.
Although I’m only a second year student, I feel that SoN has prepared me both physically and mentally to finish fine art to the highest standard, and to leave UAL feeling confident about myself and my practice. I feel I am ready for whatever life outside university might bring me.
I’m aware that not everywhere will be like SoN. I doubt that in the next five years I’ll be part of a community that is as loving, passionate, hard-working, understanding and fun as the beautiful people that make up the team. It makes me sad that this role is not forever. However, I am eternally grateful that at least I was able to have this experience.
I do not know who I would have been had I not been part of the SoN programme, but I know I wouldn’t be the woman I am today.
