By Hsuan Wan
For all the silent fighters in our society, thank you.
“無知者無畏, 無畏者無懼”
The ones that know nothing cannot be frightened.
The ones that cannot be frightened will have no fear
Reflecting on my time in higher education, coming to London and being a student of UAL is one of the smartest and dumbest decisions that I have ever made. When I first decided to start pursuing my education in Arts and Design, I had no clue how anything worked. I guess some can say that this is what universities are for; to teach you what you don’t know.
In reality they did, but not in the way that one would expect a student to learn.
The first day of school during enrollment I encountered institutional oppression. The act of needing to pay an extra fee ‘on the spot’ that was hidden to me throughout the whole application process.
“This is because you applied through our Chinese service”, they say.
But that was the only service that I knew how to apply through and what UAL had told me to go through for the three years of high school.
So I paid the fee, not wanting to cause a scene.
Then, I am faced with the people on the streets, shouting or cat-calling random syllables that I would assume was their perception of Chinese to me.
The list can go on and on.
Making the stupid decision that I did back then, I shoved all my feelings and thoughts together and put them to the back of my head. Imagine leaving a pot of coffee idle on the stove for weeks; it will rot. That is what happened in the back of my head as the mould slowly disintegrates, leaving me with a hollow hole that is filled with problematic angst and unnecessary self-hatred. But then it all changed. Joining Shades was probably the smartest decision I have ever made.
Quoting Malcolm X:
“If you stick a knife in my back nine inches and pull it out six inches, there’s no progress. If you pull it all the way out that’s not progress. Progress is healing the wound that the blow made. And they haven’t even pulled the knife out much less heal the wound. They won’t even admit the knife is there.”
I choose the red pill and have my first encounter with privilege. No, I am not talking about financial or any other materialistic privilege, I have had far too many experiences of it. What I have gained is the privilege to stand on the shoulders of giants in a safe space as I scraped the mould out of my head and let the healing begin.
To be able to see the world with their height and width.
To be able to comprehend integrity, inclusivity, and social responsibility with clarity.
To be able to experience trust, independence, and mutual-bond.
To be able to identify flaws and not to be afraid to acknowledge and change them.
Shades is a choice.
A choice of moving past the five stages of grief and towards healing.
A choice to use language to speak up against the long held silence.
A choice to form action, demonstrating to the world that this is not just hypothetical.
It can be done and has already been done.
In my time at Shades, I have been a hot mess. I have truly realised the flaws in my personality, and have written many articles that I wish I could rewrite, I have made mistakes that probably cannot be salvaged. But unlike the times before, in Shades I feel safe. I feel safe enough to reflect upon the core ideas that I built my beliefs and identity on. I feel safe enough to put down my alter-ego that I once wore as a shield. I feel safe enough to be able to be vulnerable.
In this chaotic life when everything is moving at lightning speed, when no one is willing to stop, listen, and reflect, Shades has been my constant. I am still facing problems but this does not mean that I have given up, in any sense. In fact, it is the complete opposite. By returning to my constant, I will always be able to spot my flaws both in my actions and thoughts and will always be ready to make improvements.
As days pass quickly and I step closer to graduating and moving further into this capitalist society, I cannot say that I am absolutely fearless, however, I am ready to take on challenges that are beyond my comprehension. Through Shades, I have gained the courage to cut myself open and dig deep, no matter how much it hurts. To be able to question my thought processes and unconscious biases of society that I used to accept in silence.
I have seen myself become both humble and proud, and within me the tiger sniffs the rose. (Sasson, 1886)
I am no better than anyone, nor is anyone better than me.
Citation:
- Malcolm X, (1964) TV interview. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cReCQE8B5nY
- Quiller-Couch, A. (1900). The Oxford book of English verse, 1250-1918. Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Artist Citation:
- Holzer, J.
