Favour Jonathan,

Central Saint Martins, UK.

Since I started working for Shades of Noir in October I have gained a lot more confidence within myself and my work, most importantly in reading and writing. I’m not perfect yet in my mind, I still have bumpy days where I eat my own confidence up but I’m happy with how far I’ve gotten.

 

To be honest, I have always been terrified of writing and sharing, I’ve had this idea from a young age that no one cares about what I have to say or nothing I do is important. I embodied that mentality to the point that when I work or volunteer for anything I never thought my presence was important. When I land a big job I just think “ it’s by accident “ or when I got accepted into university, I thought “I’m filling up the space”.

 

I am good with encouraging others because I would never want anyone to feel as lost as I did so speaking was my strongest point and making sure others were doing well. This was my main priority. My friends call me “ Aunty” or “ mummy” (Hentschel, n.d.) because of how nurturing I am to them and others.

 

When I was asked to apply to join Shades previously I just hid away, I knew the people who worked for Shades and I was in awe of their work, the old and new teams. I saw how they enjoyed writing like my friend Charisse (Chikwiri, 2017) she loves writing just for fun and I didn’t because I believed I couldn’t. However, in October 2018 I joined the team but my thoughts were purely negative, I spent time beating myself up over it and I didn’t want to let anyone down…

 

It will be awful.

 

I’m just embarrassing myself.

 

Why would anyone want to read this?

 

They probably think I know what I’m doing but I really don’t, I’m just lost really.

 

I’m basic.

 

Everyone will see how dumb I really am.

 

They’re going to wonder why I have a brain of a 5 year old.

 

My attention span is low, and god knows how long it takes me to write anything people will think is important.

 

I’m dyslexic, easily distracted and my brain does a 360 before getting anywhere. Dyslexia with a history of self-doubt meant I had to learn that I am important no matter what anyone else had said to me in the past. Since I have been writing for Shades I’ve been doing alright and I’m really proud of myself for delivering written content weekly. I’ve learnt so much from this family and through this practice.

 

I started working for Shades during the time my university course cohort were prepping for our dissertation draft, I stayed up in the library every day just writing what I felt and what drove my artwork in a way that it did, I wasn’t too sure about what I was doing but I knew strongly where my motivation was and why I worked the way I did. I handed in my draft without showing anyone or asking for help from the dyslexia support team at the university, I was too scared they would think my writing was trash and there was nothing good in what I have to say. When I got my feedback from my tutors, I was so confused as to why my work didn’t come back as being unsatisfactory? I felt like I was being lied too and in some ways I was upset that it wasn’t a bad grade as I had anticipated. I was told what I needed to do in order to make my final hand in a more ‘academic’ paper…. ‘’Academic’, this word ‘used’ to scare me. I had to power up and ask for support at the uni and with my family at Shades, if I was going to get the grade I wanted.

 

It was a real battle.

 

The team had to show me that my writing was important and that many published people out there write just like I do and support me through losing fear as well as fighting with the negative thoughts inside my head connected with writing. My mind had been previously attuned to thinking I couldn’t and that I wasn’t enough. Throughout my journey, so far with Shades, I have learnt to prioritise myself, make sure I’m good before I start looking after the world, make sure I learn and don’t miss out because of fear. All this time I thought I had a writing mind of a child who hated anything ‘academic’, not knowing it was just fear and self-doubt noise inside my head stopping me from sharing my thoughts with THE WORLD and now having successfully completed my dissertation with a high grade. I am so proud of how far I have come.

 

I’ve learnt that I am important! I still get scared but I push myself because no one has scared me or told me I’m not good. The family at Shades has only pushed me further to be the best version of myself.

 

I’ve learnt that it’s alright to have a different pace and be different in other ways too, we all have our own voices and I am good just as I am. I too am welcome at Shades of Noir

 

I’ve learnt to stop hiding and start embracing and that I too, can shine brightly. It’s difficult but I have to continue to practice to build more confidence. This is a work in progress.

 

We are all very different at Shades and that’s okay, in fact, that could be one of our collective strengths. I’m starting to realise that with all my quirks, I am enough!

 

One day at a time and today is a good day.

 

Thank you, Family.