“Like mother nature, I either love and nurture, or I despise and transform.”
In all things, my actions are motivated by multiple forms of either love or frustration. It is always one or the other.
I either love and nurture, or I despise and transform.
There aren’t many things I hate more than feeling like I’m living for the sake of living, or feeling like I’m merely existing.
Being in limbo is the same as being in no man’s land for someone like me.
My mind is overactive; I think until I can no longer think, and even then I am still thinking.
I need stimulation, clarity and purpose; both as an emotional human being and as a creative. Where these things are not present, my life becomes the pursuit of them.
I know patience far too well.
I don’t how to live a life that isn’t complex.
I don’t remember what it’s like to not feel responsible for someone or something.
I discover problems and then I solve them.
I carry my dreams like babies in the womb.
My body, my soul, my nature, my character, my resilience, my strength and my capabilities, are consistently pushed to the limit.
I go through labor and all of its contractions far too often because, there is no gratification quite like the birth of what was once just a vision.
I struggle with being in the present, without simultaneously flickering between the past and the future. This is at times unhealthy, but it keeps me on the right path. It keeps me grounded.
Being still has become a practice, it is something I have to make time for. For me, for myself.
I am a free spirit, however, as I write this anxiety has my spirit in chains.
I have learned how to run, jump hurdles and cross finish lines in these chains, creating the illusion of freedom.
My body has existed in this illusion for too long, it has silently put up with me for too long.
As I write this, I am acknowledging that the pressure that produces diamonds, cannot be applied to the mortal body.
I have started to trip over hurdles and fall flat on my face. My joints have weakened. My endurance is decreasing. My productivity is slowing down.
I have been to places I never want to visit again and I felt discomfort I never want to experience again. It is because of this that I am driven by frustration.
It is also because of this that I need to take break, I need to re-establish a norm that isn’t a life sentence.
As I write this, I am finding solace and emancipation in my words. I am relieved.
(I’m actually about to have a solo dance party in my bedroom.)
Words by Charisse Chikwiri @CharisseeC